Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.
“When I first saw Bo-bo in the garden— I thought it was ‘cause I was takin’ them dizzy pills. I tried to convince myself that Bo-bo was just an alien mirage. But after a week — when Bo-bo was still there — I figured I should be more hospitable and offer up something to eat. You should have seen how cute Bo-bo looked gobblin’ up all my homemade raita.”
1 1/2 cups plain yogurt
1 garlic clove, minced
1 shallot, diced
1 tomato, chopped
1/2 cucumber, chopped
1/4 tsp. olive oil
1/4 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. salt
Mix all ingredients in a bowl. Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Serve.
The 2011 best-selling oral history of two extraterrestrial sisters, “Making It Our Way: The Coleman Sisters’ First 250 years,” was announced as the first book to read in the city’s 13th annual summer reading campaign. Mayor Antonine Fille and library chief, Min Bon, unveiled the book yesterday at a press conference.
“Making It Our Way” describes the lives of Matilda and Shori Coleman—ET sisters who look back over 250 years, from their birthplace in Ranku-Plentar (planetary outpost) to New Mexico. Although they were daughters of alien parents, born into slavery, Shori and Matilda, nevertheless became well established in their own careers — one as a chef and the other as a lollypop maker. As a bonus, the sisters even share a prized family Egg Salad Sandwich recipe in the book.
Mayor Fille admitted he has not read the book yet. However, he commented that his wife has read it. “She’s even deliciously made the egg salad sandwich,” reported Fille. Mayor Fille and the city’s 572,000 other residents will have until June 4 to read the book before the official schedule of events begins. There will be book discussions at local library branches, a play performed by a theater group made up of émigrés from the former Ranku-Plentar, now simply known as R2, and even a cooking demonstration.
Min Bon said the memoir, chosen from over 300 titles, was suggested by library staff members and the public because it had the qualities organizers were looking for — universal themes of perseverance, easy reading for young adults and wide availability. “The book is so enthralling and the egg salad sandwich recipe is sublime!” says Min Bon. “Plus, it’s a real history lesson.”
Jill Dan, granddaughter of Shori Coleman, was also at the Summer Reading press conference. She said, “The whole R2 community is proud — but I am especially proud of my pioneering relatives!”
Egg Salad Sandwich
8 large hard boiled eggs, peeled and chopped
2 scallions, minced
1/2 cup mayonnaise
2 tsp. Dijon mustard
bacon slices, cooked
Mix eggs, scallions, 1/4 cup mayonnaise and mustard. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Spread remaining mayonnaise on bread slices. Assemble desired number of sandwiches with lettuce, egg salad, tomato and bacon slices. Serve.
At age 7, while playing marbles, Buri Meller says he saw a large, stainless steel bowl of Southern-Style Greens hovering in the sky like a space ship. From it radiated a human form of cosmic intelligence. Meller claims the encounter “conditioned” him — charging him with psychic powers to further the evolution of humankind and prepare earthlings for contact with galactic neighbors.
2 lb. kale, thick stalks and stems discarded
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 onion, peeled, quartered
2 garlic cloves, peeled, sliced in half
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
4 cups water
rice wine vinegar (optional)
hot sauce (optional)
Wash kale in 3 batches of water and tear into bite size pieces. Drain in large colander. Pre-heat large pot (2-5 minutes). Pour in olive oil. Add onion, garlic cloves, salt and pepper. Stir for 3 minutes. Add kale in batches. Stir until kale is completely wilted. Add water. Cover and let simmer for 30 to 40 minutes until tender. Adjust seasonings to taste. Add a splash of rice wine vinegar and/or hot sauce (optional). Serve.
“As a man of faith, I see the spiritual beauty in all of us. Life is about love and lima beans.” —JR Macklin
2 cups (1 lb.) dried lima beans, rinsed and sorted
5 cups water
1 bay leaf
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 large onion, peeled, chopped
5 garlic cloves, peeled, chopped
3 Tbsp. heavy cream
Rinse beans and soak overnight in a large bowl of water (water should cover beans by at least 1 inch—about 5 cups of water). Next day, drain beans from soaking water. Put beans in a large pot. Add 5 cups of fresh water and a bay leaf. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a simmer. Remove foam, if any, with a spoon. Continue simmering until tender — about 1+1/2 – 2 hours. Stir occasionally and add water when necessary. Meanwhile, heat olive oil in a pot. Sauté chopped onion in oil for 2 minutes. Add chopped garlic. Heat until fragrant (1 more minute). Season with salt. Set aside. When beans are cooked, remove bay leaf. Add onion/garlic/olive oil mixture to beans. Add heavy cream and season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve plain or with rice.
Laverne Gideon was a second year medical student when she first encountered alien beings. “At first, they just asked me a few questions about my lab experiments. I really didn’t think anything of it. My mother was abducted by aliens as a child. I knew they would eventually make contact with me too. It was actually a relief to finally meet them. But, when they started taking over my life —I had no choice— I had to make them pay,” says Ms. Gideon while sipping ginger tea.
fresh ginger (2 inches–peeled and thickly sliced into about 4 or 5 pieces)
1/4 cup to 1/2 cup sugar
5 cups water
Place ginger, sugar and water in a pot. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low. Cover and let simmer for 20 minutes. Discard ginger slices. Adjust sugar to taste. Serve with lemon slices.
In traditional alien arranged marriages, families do extensive research on each other before popping the question. However, on the new reality show, Love TV, it’s the producers who conduct the background checks — everything from college grades to favorite colors. “Medical tests are compulsory. But we also find out whether the future in-laws prefer the girls to cook traditional food or not. Cooking ability is always a priority for aliens. In alien arranged marriages, you don’t just marry the person, you marry all the culinary habits too,” said Sid Boiyt, the producer of Love TV.
Foe Gonga, a popular alien movie star, is the show’s host. “A lot of people were so shocked to find out that I too had a traditional alien arranged marriage. I could have dated anyone — from any galaxy. But, I am a traditionalist at heart,” says Gonga. Although, Mrs. Gonga claims to be a traditionalist, it was recently reported that in her household, it is not she but he who does all the cooking.
“The truth is, I love to cook– but I just do not have the time. I am so lucky that my dear husband, Mr. Sleevlok Gonga, enjoys pampering me with all the wonderful delicacies I crave. He makes the best cranberry relish! My home life may not be totally traditional, but I still have a lot of fun with the show,” stated Mrs. Gonga.
Even though Love TV has been number one for the last 9 weeks, there are still critics. One anonymous viewer wrote, “Why would an attractive, educated girl want to be ridiculed and pecked over like last night’s dinner by a series of random men? The modern world has no use for such nonsense!”
In response to the criticism, the producer, Sid Boiyt, said, “Some of us would rather pretend that alien arranged marriages do not exist, but we all know that they do. Why not make the process entertaining? It’s a no stress, win-win. Plus you get to sample the cooking without any obligation! Who wouldn’t want that?”
1 (12 oz.) bag fresh or frozen (thawed) cranberries
1 navel orange (zest from the orange plus orange slices without pith and peel)
3/4 cup sugar
dash of cinnamon
In food processor, process cranberries, orange zest, orange slices, sugar and cinnamon until finely chopped. Place in bowl or plastic zippered bag. Refrigerate overnight or up to 3 days before serving.
My screams did nothing but make me hoarse, my struggling did nothing but get me bruised — I have to figure out a way to accept my life here on the “post” — as it’s called.
They painted me silver. I’m like a newborn alien baby— silver, shivering and afraid.
I think the leader must be sick. He has a rash all over his body. They won’t let me near him.
They squirt orange goop into my mouth—night and day. I think it’s some kind of creature or maybe a computer program.
I found out that I was snatched by mistake— there was a false positive light spike near my house.
I have an escape plan. No more orange goop for me. Every chance I get — I will spit it at them!
Back from isolation — my spit-a-thon was a bad idea! On the bright side— I have a new hobby — recipes for the orange goop. This morning I had roasted sweet potatoes. Tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day after that, I’m going to have more roasted sweet potatoes.
Roasted Sweet Potatoes
2 large Sweet Potatoes, washed, unpeeled
1-2 Tbsp. Butter, unsalted, sliced
Honey or Lyle’s Golden Syrup
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Place washed sweet potatoes onto foil lined baking sheets. Poke with a fork in several places. Bake for 1+1/2 – 2 hours or until tender. Slice open and pat with butter. Sprinkle with salt, cinnamon and nutmeg to taste. Drizzle honey or Lyle’s Golden Syrup on top. Serve.
“Leonora” and “Eldorado” gained notoriety in the 1970s when they criss-crossed the country in search of “pilgrims” to follow them to “higher levels of existence” aboard a UFO — a UFO that would only appear when and if the people were ready. To make the lure a sure thing, Leonora and Eldorado promised free all you can eat gourmet meals. Hundreds of people responded. In exchange, the people gave all their worldly possessions to Leonora and Eldorado — they were told this would increase their chances of communicating with alien realms.
“Eldorado,” formerly known as Herby Smith, had been a used car salesman. “Leonora,” formerly known as Blair Lewis, had been a chef/astrologer. They revealed that an “awakening” and shedding of “humanness” began sometime late in 1974 when they realized their “life forms” had come to Earth in space crafts the day they were conceived.
Leonora explained that “members of the alien level” one day rewarded her with a Hummus Sandwich recipe — saying, in a metaphorical way, “Wake up, smell the chick peas, it’s time to remember who you really are.” Reportedly, this is how Leonora knew it was time to find followers.
Former followers of the duo admitted that Leonora and Eldorado were not ordinary con-artists. “They could persuade you to do or believe anything. Their philosophy of salvation by UFOs and gourmet food touched a sensitive human longing. How else can you explain why so many people literally erased their lives to live in impoverished, hippie food camps?” said former follower, Paul James. “Although I stopped believing in Leonora and Eldorado,” continued Mr. James, “I still believe in Hummus Sandwiches. Now, I just make them myself.”
15-20 oz. canned chick peas, drained
1 Tbsp. dijon mustard
2 garlic cloves, peeled, cut in half
1 shallot, peeled, cut in half
1/4 cup olive oil
1 tsp. peanut butter
2 Tbsp. seasoned rice wine vinegar
fresh lemon juice, generous squeeze
1/2 tsp. salt
whole grain sandwich bread, lightly toasted
dill pickle slices
cheddar cheese slices
Purée chick peas, mustard, garlic, shallot, olive oil, peanut butter, vinegar, lemon juice and salt in a food processor or blender to make hummus. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Spread desired amount of hummus on sandwich bread. Top with lettuce, tomato, dill pickles, cheddar cheese, and alfalfa sprouts. Place another piece of bread on top. Serve.
Manganesh Mahesh Mahishi originally came to fame 25 years ago when he “landed on Earth from an undisclosed little pocket in the galaxy.” Back then, Mahishi was interested in producing documentary films about paper plates. Yesterday, wearing a white robe and white flowers in his hair, Manganesh Mahesh Mahishi — now famously known as the founder of Peace Kitchens, Inc. — talked to an audience of 360 billion via closed circuit t.v. His new mission: to establish cooking facilities in every corner of the universe to promote peace.
“Not only will those of you who decide to support our kitchens create peace in the cosmos, you will also insure that every being under, over and in the sun will eat. Our kitchens will produce universe friendly foods. Every time one of our meals is prepared, together we will send the message that peace is for real. It is alive. It will all begin with our powerful chefs who are specially trained in the ancient art of yogic cooking. This practice sends out powerful vibrations that reduce stress, crime and violence. With thousands of chefs practicing yogic cooking, peace will have no choice but to burst out all over.” As an added benefit, Mahishi also described his plans for “unused food management.” Mahishi said all unused food will be donated to local homeless shelters and low cost housing developments.
Over the last year, Mahishi has already established a few test Peace Kitchens in the US. “The results have already surpassed our initial hopes,” said Mahishi.
Mahishi also announced plans for pre-packaged Peace Kitchens’ salad dressing to be sold around the globe. “This way everyone can have a reminder of our Peace Kitchens’ mission,” stated a serene Mr. Mahishi. He ended his press conference by urging all “to consciously promote peace. Let Peace Kitchens show you the way.”
1 Tbsp. dijon mustard
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 shallot, chopped
1 inch piece of fresh ginger, peeled and grated or minced
1/2 cup olive oil
1 tsp. peanut butter (or other nut butter)
3 Tbsp. seasoned rice wine vinegar
Place mustard, garlic, shallot, ginger, oil, vinegar and peanut butter in a blender. Mix well. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
A young man, sad about a recent break-up, publicly undresses in front of a fetish of Vaswoon Bambi, who in Alien Vodou tradition governs all forces of nature. An alien Vodou priest, Dalik Fonti, using a Buffalo Roast Chicken — that the young man has brought him (for luck) — performs a ritual to cleanse the young man’s body and spirit. The priest pauses before continuing, “Hmmm…you need a little more hot sauce in this Buffalo Roast Chicken. You got some knots in your spirit,” he says calmly while swatting flies. “But it’s ok,” the priest interjects. “Everything will be all right if you just go home and take a milk bath tonight.” When the service is complete, the young man dresses and sits down with Mr. Fonti to enjoy the meal. Then, the young man heads home — happy.
Traditional, non-alien Vodou or voodoo, evokes stereotypes of black magic and dolls stuck with pins. However, Alien Vodou is a little different. The main difference is that Alien Vodou priests are actually convicted felons from outer space. Back on their home planets, they used to be anything from financial analysts to even heads of state. Instead of prison time on their own turf, they’ve been given the option of coming to Earth to serve their sentences. First, however, they must receive extensive compassion training. Formal ministerial licensing is optional.
”I’m completely innocent!” admits Dalik Fonti. “I chose to come here because I knew I would never regain the respect I had after being accused of ‘a crime against my planet.’ I used to have a powerful job with my planet’s government. At least now — with this new sentencing option — I can help others and keep my amygdala.”
Fonti explained that the job hours and requirements for him on Earth are much better than he expected. He continued, “I thought conditions here were going to kill me. We hear a lot about the degradation of humans where I’m from. But I know there is a solution.” Fonti believes, “Too many earthlings are glum and depressed because they have no self love and no interest in enjoying the simple things in life. The Buffalo Roast Chicken or whatever I’m hungry for are not just ritual smoke and mirrors. We all need encouragement and someone to share a good meal with. This helps us feel more in tune, relaxed and loved. As long as you bring me something piping hot from the oven or ice cream, I’m happy to serve you.”
Buffalo Roast Chicken
1 small-medium size chicken
1 lemon, quartered
4 garlic cloves, peeled
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. onion powder
1/2 tsp. turmeric powder
1/2 cup hot sauce
2 Tbsp. white vinegar
4 Tbsp. butter, unsalted, melted
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use a clever, heavy knife or kitchen shears to cut chicken in half, along the breast bone. Place both halves onto large parchment lined roasting pan with cut sides down, wings up. Place lemon and garlic cloves in cavities. Mix garlic, onion and turmeric powders and rub onto chicken. Mix hot sauce, vinegar and melted butter in a measuring cup and pour over chicken. Sprinkle a little salt and pepper on chicken. Cover loosely with foil. Roast in oven for 1 hour. Remove foil cover and roast chicken halves for 30 to 45 minutes or until chicken is crispy and nicely browned. Remove from oven and let sit for 1/2 hour before cutting chicken into pieces. Serve.
Marcia Flemming has no patience for people who claim they have been abducted by aliens from outer space, or any such nonsense. “I consider myself a rational person,” she says as she tosses an apple slice to Lulu, a beautiful jet black 5 year old female ape. Marcia Flemming is her caretaker.
Marcia has taught Lulu everything she knows. Even sign language. This is how they communicate. This is also how Lulu told Marcia about her travels to outer space and the many extraterrestrial visitors that have visited her inside the ape house at the zoo.
“When Lulu first started mentioning all this stuff, I thought someone had brought in a television and maybe showed Lulu a few too many alien shows. But when I noticed a change in her eating habits, I knew this was more than just t.v. talk. Something must have truly happened to Lulu. I believe her alien stories.”
Marcia described an afternoon 3 years ago, when she was ready to feed Lulu lunch. Reportedly, Lulu stood up on her legs and lifted her hands and head upward. She then signed a message to Marcia that Marcia knew she must have mistaken. “You say aliens, little ladybugs, came and abducted you and took you back to their planet and made you high priestess of their cooking church? A cooking church?” Marcia repeatedly questioned her.
Lulu said she didn’t want to go back to their planet because they did weird experiments on her and made her eat all kinds of strange stuff. Then they asked her to describe what she liked or disliked about the food. According to Ms. Fleming, Lulu is also a master of “far-sight” or “remote viewing.” She can see distances not normally possible without high powered lenses — distances that are thousands of miles away. Lulu says she can see that the aliens are making their way back to Earth. They want her to travel the universe in their “High-Priestess-of-the-Cooking-Church” lecture tour. Lulu is so afraid of these aliens that she has asked to be bleached white. She wants to hide in the polar bear exhibit until “the aliens find some other high priestess to pick on.”
As Marcia related the story, Lulu started breathing very heavily and beating her chest. She smeared applesauce all over herself and hid underneath a white floor mat.
4 granny smith apples, peeled, cored and chopped
1/2 cup water
3 Tbsp. sugar
Place chopped apples in a saucepan. Add 1/2 cup water. Stir in sugar. Bring to a boil. Cook on medium-low heat for 15-20 minutes or until tender. Remove from heat. Mash apples with a large fork or potato masher. Add more sugar, if desired. Can be served warm, room temperature or cold.
In most ski-resort towns like Flurryville, New Oregon, worker shortages are a constant problem. Three years ago, “Stocked Market” manager, Buddy Tillmann, hit upon a way to fill long vacant positions for grocery baggers. He hired local alien kids to work after school and on weekends. There are a lot of alien kids in Flurryville. Their folks seem to “like the air better.”
The plan seemed like it was the perfect solution. The alien kids, ranging in age from 8 to 13 loved the job. They earned good money and were even able to take home leftovers from the baked goods section and deli. Alien parents were thrilled to see their kids developing a good work ethic. And the busy market was finally fully staffed.
There was one problem, though. One of the alien kids, Lars (not the one from Mars, but the one from Kikoop) came in one afternoon with a note from his estranged father. It read: “Dear Mr. Tillmann, It is illegal to employ kids under age 14. Even though the kids you employ are alien kids, they are still kids. And you are violating child labor laws.” Mr. Tillmann was forced to let the kids go.
Far from ending there, however, the issue has touched off a wave of controversy in Flurryville, centering on whether existing child labor laws are appropriate, especially for alien kids. With all the strides made between aliens and earthlings, some earthlings still don’t think aliens should have the same rights as earthlings. And a lot of earthling employers take advantage of recent alien émigrés and their kids who do not know the laws, which do in fact apply to all “beings” who work. “Employers are looking for whomever they can get,” says Fernando Huiog, a cashier at Stocked Market. “It’s not like they are trying to harm the little greenies,” Huiog continues.
In Flurryville child labor laws are being criticized by everyone from alien parents to the alien kids who lost their jobs. “We were having fun and we were making money,” says Shaark Zaaail, a 6th grader who used to send money to his grandma “back home on Horticu.” He continues, “The law is wrong and it shouldn’t apply to aliens. We are different. We want to work. I’ll miss being at Stocked Market. They used to give me bread and chocolate as an after-school snack. They were great to me. Mr. Tillman was great to all of us!”
Bread and Chocolate
1 1/4 cups heavy cream
4 1/2 oz. dark chocolate, broken into pieces
your favorite bread (preferably something homemade)
unsalted butter, room temp.
Heat cream in saucepan. Remove from heat. Whisk in chocolate until fully melted. Place 1/4 cup of melted chocolate into bowls or ramekins. Toast bread. Slather with butter. Lightly sprinkle salt and cinnamon on bread. Drizzle honey on top. Dip bread into chocolate. Enjoy.
Alien inspired makeup is everywhere these days. From bold multi-colored lips to strong eyes— this season is no time to be shy. And… it’s a lot easier than you think to duplicate those extra large eyes and candy colored lips. It was not too long ago that words like “alienesque” and “clownish” connoted silvery-skin undertones and a lip-smacking drip of red paint splattered all over the mouth. Now, however, alienesque means the highest of haute couture and clownish means, “Honey, you have a-r-r-i-v-e-d!” Thanks to “mega-mega-mega” stars Kokiko and Jillie-B, those sisters from Hinyo planet, we can all learn a thing or two about being proud of our uniqueness. Now that Kokiko and Jillie-B have their own make-up line out (K-J-B Color Box)–all we have to do is connect the dots and, voila–we too can have the look! What could be simpler? When asked what the inspiration for this season’s color palette was, Kokiko explains, “My mother’s sautéed corn. All of our 6 foundation shades are derived from mom’s favorite recipes. For the lips–we were inspired by mom’s frosting! Mother prefers candy pink, but we’ve added a few other pastels for contrast.” Jillie-B emphasizes that, “It is ok, ladies, to wear stripes on your lips!” As an added bonus, K-J-B Color Box has 5 of their mom’s favorite recipes on the back of each K-J-B Color Box product. Thanks to Kokiko and Jillie-B, we can now look and even cook like aliens too!
1 Tbsp. butter, unsalted
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 shallot, chopped
1 garlic clove, chopped
fresh corn kernels, cut from 4 ears of shucked corn
Heat butter and olive oil in large skillet. Add shallot, garlic and a dash of salt. Stir frequently on low heat until tender, about 2-3 minutes. Increase heat to medium-high. Add fresh corn kernels and cook, stirring often, until tender and nicely browned, about 5 minutes or more. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve.