A young man, sad about a recent break-up, publicly undresses in front of a fetish of Vaswoon Bambi, who in Alien Vodou tradition governs all forces of nature. An alien Vodou priest, Dalik Fonti, using a Buffalo Roast Chicken — that the young man has brought him (for luck) — performs a ritual to cleanse the young man’s body and spirit. The priest pauses before continuing, “Hmmm…you need a little more hot sauce in this Buffalo Roast Chicken. You got some knots in your spirit,” he says calmly while swatting flies. “But it’s ok,” the priest interjects. “Everything will be all right if you just go home and take a milk bath tonight.” When the service is complete, the young man dresses and sits down with Mr. Fonti to enjoy the meal. Then, the young man heads home — happy.
Traditional, non-alien Vodou or voodoo, evokes stereotypes of black magic and dolls stuck with pins. However, Alien Vodou is a little different. The main difference is that Alien Vodou priests are actually convicted felons from outer space. Back on their home planets, they used to be anything from financial analysts to even heads of state. Instead of prison time on their own turf, they’ve been given the option of coming to Earth to serve their sentences. First, however, they must receive extensive compassion training. Formal ministerial licensing is optional.
”I’m completely innocent!” admits Dalik Fonti. “I chose to come here because I knew I would never regain the respect I had after being accused of ‘a crime against my planet.’ I used to have a powerful job with my planet’s government. At least now — with this new sentencing option — I can help others and keep my amygdala.”
Fonti explained that the job hours and requirements for him on Earth are much better than he expected. He continued, “I thought conditions here were going to kill me. We hear a lot about the degradation of humans where I’m from. But I know there is a solution.” Fonti believes, “Too many earthlings are glum and depressed because they have no self love and no interest in enjoying the simple things in life. The Buffalo Roast Chicken or whatever I’m hungry for are not just ritual smoke and mirrors. We all need encouragement and someone to share a good meal with. This helps us feel more in tune, relaxed and loved. As long as you bring me something piping hot from the oven or ice cream, I’m happy to serve you.”
Buffalo Roast Chicken
1 small-medium size chicken
1 lemon, quartered
4 garlic cloves, peeled
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. onion powder
1/2 tsp. turmeric powder
1/2 cup hot sauce
2 Tbsp. white vinegar
4 Tbsp. butter, unsalted, melted
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use a clever, heavy knife or kitchen shears to cut chicken in half, along the breast bone. Place both halves onto large parchment lined roasting pan with cut sides down, wings up. Place lemon and garlic cloves in cavities. Mix garlic, onion and turmeric powders and rub onto chicken. Mix hot sauce, vinegar and melted butter in a measuring cup and pour over chicken. Sprinkle a little salt and pepper on chicken. Cover loosely with foil. Roast in oven for 1 hour. Remove foil cover and roast chicken halves for 30 to 45 minutes or until chicken is crispy and nicely browned. Remove from oven and let sit for 1/2 hour before cutting chicken into pieces. Serve.