The two biggest candy makers on Earth, Sugah-Wugah Inc. and The Planetto Syrups Group, are moving their sugar and candy manufacturing plants out of town — way out of town — to a new interstellar outpost called Shug5. Kristof Joiney, owner of Sugah-Wugah Inc., says he expects to save $360 billion producing the sweetener north of Earth’s border. Mr. Joiney explains, “Since Shug5 is practically made of sugar— it is much more cost effective.”
Mr. Joiney plans to let go of 75,000 Earth employees next year alone. “We’re planning an amazing phase out. Each employee, however, is being given the option of moving to Shug5 — all expenses paid. They don’t really have to lose their jobs. If they want to continue with us— they will just have to move with us,” he says.
Richard Brinck, The Planetto Syrups Group CFO says, “Sugar is what our business is all about. Why pay more for it here on Earth when we can pay less for both sugar and labor up there? We’ll make even more money.”
The Planetto Syrups Group has already secured 300,000 indigenous beings from Shug5 to work for the company. Reportedly, these interstellar laborers have already developed a severe addiction to The Planetto Syrups Group’s ice cream product line. According to Richard Brinck, “Give ‘em our Candy Bar Ice Cream and these Shug5 guys will work for like 10 days straight! We can’t lose!”
Candy Bar Ice Cream
2 eggs (best quality available)
3/4 cup sugar
2 cups heavy cream
1 cup whole milk
2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 Skor bars (or other chocolate covered toffee bar, +/- 3 oz.), finely chopped in food processor
4 Reese’s peanut butter cups, chopped
2 Hershey bars (or other milk chocolate bars, +/- 3 oz.), chopped
Whisk eggs in a large bowl until light and fluffy (about 1-2 minutes). Little by little, add sugar until well blended (about 1 more minute). Add heavy cream, milk and vanilla. Mix well. Pour into ice cream maker and process according to manufacturer’s instructions. In the last 10 minutes of freezing, pour assorted chocolate candies into ice cream maker and mix. Transfer ice cream to an airtight container and place in freezer until firm (about 3 hours or overnight). If freezing overnight, remove from freezer 5-10 minutes before serving and let sit at room temperature.