Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.
“When I first saw Bo-bo in the garden— I thought it was ‘cause I was takin’ them dizzy pills. I tried to convince myself that Bo-bo was just an alien mirage. But after a week — when Bo-bo was still there — I figured I should be more hospitable and offer up something to eat. You should have seen how cute Bo-bo looked gobblin’ up all my homemade raita.”
1 1/2 cups plain yogurt
1 garlic clove, minced
1 shallot, diced
1 tomato, chopped
1/2 cucumber, chopped
1/4 tsp. olive oil
1/4 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. salt
Mix all ingredients in a bowl. Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Serve.
The Outer Limits Embassy in Beijing has been quietly and fragrantly, occupied for four weeks by protesting university students who say things might get ugly if their demands are not met. “If they throw us out, if they provoke us, then the outcome will be burnt bean soup,” says one of the Outer Limits students who has been camped out for 3 weeks in the modest building in Beijing’s embassy district.
The demands? The 25 outer Limits students in China want their own Outer Limits government to pay their living expenses, several years in arrears, and enable them to send food and textbooks — now stored in shipping containers on the embassy grounds —back home to Outer Limits.
“Outer Limits is just a mere 200 miles above Earth. It would cost less to send our stuff back than to keep it in storage,” claims another Outer Limits student named Fraick. Fraick is a senior at Beijing U. and proud Outer Limits national. He is still waiting to send a special freeze dried holiday cake (from last year) home to his mother.
China and Outer Limits face similar nation building challenges. Over the years, the bond between Outer Limits and China grew as a stream of Outer Limits scholarship students came to China with the goal of one day returning home to help rebuild their Outer Limits townships. China waived tuition, offered a modest stipend, and the students’ native Outer Limits townships also chipped in.
But in the past decade, that spirit of cooperation has had to tangle with the tide of free market reform. Cash strapped universities, once free for everyone, started charging tuition and aggressively courting wealthier students from Asia, Europe, Venus and even the tiny planetary republic of Sednaaaaars.
The central government still offers some 800 full scholarships a year, mostly to students from developing nations and planets. At the same time, many students, particularly from planets like war torn Outer Limits, find their home planets too preoccupied with other problems to bother paying their stipends.
So far the Outer Limits students have kept their protests low key, being careful to avoid involving the Chinese government. “We have sent faxes, made phone calls, and we get no response,” says Makia Hunai, recipient of a doctorate in high temperature super conductivity food preparation from Nanjing University. She believes she is the first being from her planet to pursue this area of expertise, and hopes to teach it back home. “We are studying here in China for three or four or even five years. Upon graduation, we are expected to go home to contribute to nation building. How can we do that without our books? How can beings there wait without food supplies and nutrient-purification supplements from us? This is not an unreasonable request,” says Ms. Hunai. “We are peace loving. We love our planet. We have decided not to use violence and confrontation. We will use the media. We will encourage change through our food skills.”
“We’re willing to stay here and cook and do whatever else is necessary until everyone in the cosmos hears our story!” Hunai says. When asked how students are handling the cooking duties at the Embassy, Hunai explained, “It’s been hard taking turns in the kitchen. We aliens love to cook so much. We’d all prefer to cook everyday. But it’s worth the sacrifice. Tonight I’m making chicken salad. That reminds me… I’d better go smuggle some almonds out of the embassy fridge.”
4 poached chicken breasts (skinless and boneless),diced
1/2 cup sliced almonds
1/4 cup raisins
1 carrot, peeled and grated
1 shallot, finely grated
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
1 tsp. dijon mustard
1 Tbsp. sour cream
3/4 cup to 1 cup mayonnaise
2 tsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. mild curry powder
Place diced chicken breasts in a large bowl. Stir in almonds, raisins, carrot, shallot, lemon juice, mustard, sour cream, mayonnaise, sugar, and curry powder. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve on sandwich bread, or on top of lettuce.
The 2011 best-selling oral history of two extraterrestrial sisters, “Making It Our Way: The Coleman Sisters’ First 250 years,” was announced as the first book to read in the city’s 13th annual summer reading campaign. Mayor Antonine Fille and library chief, Min Bon, unveiled the book yesterday at a press conference.
“Making It Our Way” describes the lives of Matilda and Shori Coleman—ET sisters who look back over 250 years, from their birthplace in Ranku-Plentar (planetary outpost) to New Mexico. Although they were daughters of alien parents, born into slavery, Shori and Matilda, nevertheless became well established in their own careers — one as a chef and the other as a lollypop maker. As a bonus, the sisters even share a prized family Egg Salad Sandwich recipe in the book.
Mayor Fille admitted he has not read the book yet. However, he commented that his wife has read it. “She’s even deliciously made the egg salad sandwich,” reported Fille. Mayor Fille and the city’s 572,000 other residents will have until June 4 to read the book before the official schedule of events begins. There will be book discussions at local library branches, a play performed by a theater group made up of émigrés from the former Ranku-Plentar, now simply known as R2, and even a cooking demonstration.
Min Bon said the memoir, chosen from over 300 titles, was suggested by library staff members and the public because it had the qualities organizers were looking for — universal themes of perseverance, easy reading for young adults and wide availability. “The book is so enthralling and the egg salad sandwich recipe is sublime!” says Min Bon. “Plus, it’s a real history lesson.”
Jill Dan, granddaughter of Shori Coleman, was also at the Summer Reading press conference. She said, “The whole R2 community is proud — but I am especially proud of my pioneering relatives!”
Egg Salad Sandwich
8 large hard boiled eggs, peeled and chopped
2 scallions, minced
1/2 cup mayonnaise
2 tsp. Dijon mustard
bacon slices, cooked
Mix eggs, scallions, 1/4 cup mayonnaise and mustard. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Spread remaining mayonnaise on bread slices. Assemble desired number of sandwiches with lettuce, egg salad, tomato and bacon slices. Serve.
Zac has been spending the last few weeks perfecting a recipe. He was told (in a dream) that he must create something special dedicated to the space queen Marthie—who will be celebrating a milestone birthday soon.
“Marthie is from the 3rd corner to the right, past the little dipper and beyond,” says Zac. “You know— those folks are big into turkey. I can’t wait for her to try my dish. She’s going to have a good birthday. I can guarantee the turkey, noodles and peas part for sure!”
Turkey, Noodles and Peas
1/2 box lasagna noodles (about 8-12 sheets), broken into odd size pieces
1 1/2 cups cooked turkey
2 Tbsp. butter
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 shallot, minced or grated
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup frozen peas, thawed
Prepare lasagna according to package instructions. Drain, reserving 1/2 cup of pasta water. Set aside. Shred cooked turkey or cut into bite size pieces. On medium heat, melt butter in large pot. Add olive oil. Heat for 1 minute. Add shallot. Stir for 3-4 minutes. Stir in heavy cream. Add pasta, turkey, and peas and 1/2 cup pasta water to large pot. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Continue heating until hot. Serve.
At age 7, while playing marbles, Buri Meller says he saw a large, stainless steel bowl of Southern-Style Greens hovering in the sky like a space ship. From it radiated a human form of cosmic intelligence. Meller claims the encounter “conditioned” him — charging him with psychic powers to further the evolution of humankind and prepare earthlings for contact with galactic neighbors.
2 lb. kale, thick stalks and stems discarded
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 onion, peeled, quartered
2 garlic cloves, peeled, sliced in half
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
4 cups water
rice wine vinegar (optional)
hot sauce (optional)
Wash kale in 3 batches of water and tear into bite size pieces. Drain in large colander. Pre-heat large pot (2-5 minutes). Pour in olive oil. Add onion, garlic cloves, salt and pepper. Stir for 3 minutes. Add kale in batches. Stir until kale is completely wilted. Add water. Cover and let simmer for 30 to 40 minutes until tender. Adjust seasonings to taste. Add a splash of rice wine vinegar and/or hot sauce (optional). Serve.
Persephonie, the ancient, alien, cow-goddess from Helios, is back. I found her business card on the street. It says, “Want to lose 10 pounds in 5 days? Sorry, can’t help you. Eat a chocolate covered strawberry instead!”
Chocolate Covered Strawberries
8-10 large fresh strawberries
16 oz. dark or milk chocolate, chopped
powdered sugar (optional)
6 oz. white chocolate (optional)
Rinse and dry strawberries. Set aside. Prepare a double boiler to melt chocolate (or alternatively, melt chocolate in a microwave). If using a microwave, place chopped chocolate in a microwave safe container and use medium power for 2 to 4 minutes, until the chocolate turns shiny. If using milk chocolate, stir chocolate at 1 minute intervals to prevent it from becoming grainy. Remove chocolate from microwave and stir until completely melted. Dip strawberries into melted chocolate and place on parchment or foil lined baking sheet. Refrigerate for 1 hour. Place strawberries on a plate and dust with powdered sugar. Another option: while strawberries are being chilled in the refrigerator, melt 6 oz. white chocolate in a double boiler or microwave. Spoon white chocolate into a small plastic zippered storage bag. Snip off a small corner of the bag. Drizzle white chocolate over strawberries. Place strawberries back in refrigerator to chill for at least 15 more minutes. Serve. (Bonus: Re-purpose any leftover chocolate for hot chocolate or pour over ice cream.)
After graduating from a Kentucky High School where she was one of only a few ETs, Marki Poloi, wanted to “try something different.” She enrolled at Pinkston University, a historically alien college founded by ETs in 1976. When she arrived at her first class, Ms. Poloi was shocked. “I was the only alien in the room,” recalls the 19 year old sophomore.
Poloi didn’t realize that Pinkston University is one of four historically alien colleges and universities, where earthling students are the majority. Once revered as the “Alien Harvard,” Pinkston U. is now nearly 76% earthling.
Overall, earthling enrollment at historically alien colleges across the US climbed 13% over the last 5 years. At Vlomfoeld College in Pennsylvania, more than 90% of the students are earthling. Why? Earthling students and parents are discovering what aliens have known for decades — many historically alien colleges offer quality education for about half the price of comparable mainstream schools. Plus, adds Poloi, “The food is so much
better. Everybody knows why there’s an alien owned restaurant on just about every street in America. Aliens just cook better! The beet salad here at Pinkston is even better than my mom’s.”
3 large beets, washed, peeled, leafy stalks removed
4 Tbsp. olive oil
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. pepper
1/2 tsp. dijon mustard
2 Tbsp. seasoned rice wine vinegar
3 Tbsp. orange juice
1/2 tsp. sugar
1 shallot, chopped
1 garlic clove, minced
Boston lettuce, rinsed and leaves separated
1 onion, small, thinly sliced
1/4 cup chopped walnuts (toasted in skillet until lightly browned)
goat cheese (optional)
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Place beets on parchment paper lined roasting pan. Drizzle olive oil on each beet and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Combine Dijon mustard, vinegar, orange juice, sugar, shallot and garlic. Pour on top of beets. Cover roasting pan with foil and roast beets for 1 hour or until tender. Remove from oven and let cool completely. Slice beets and place in large plastic bag or container. Pour liquid from roasting pan over beets. Refrigerate beets overnight. Place lettuce leaves on a large serving plate. Scatter sliced onions and beets on top. Drizzle with a little olive oil and season lightly with salt and pepper. Sprinkle with walnuts and desired amount of goat cheese, if using. Serve.
“As a man of faith, I see the spiritual beauty in all of us. Life is about love and lima beans.” —JR Macklin
2 cups (1 lb.) dried lima beans, rinsed and sorted
5 cups water
1 bay leaf
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 large onion, peeled, chopped
5 garlic cloves, peeled, chopped
3 Tbsp. heavy cream
Rinse beans and soak overnight in a large bowl of water (water should cover beans by at least 1 inch—about 5 cups of water). Next day, drain beans from soaking water. Put beans in a large pot. Add 5 cups of fresh water and a bay leaf. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a simmer. Remove foam, if any, with a spoon. Continue simmering until tender — about 1+1/2 – 2 hours. Stir occasionally and add water when necessary. Meanwhile, heat olive oil in a pot. Sauté chopped onion in oil for 2 minutes. Add chopped garlic. Heat until fragrant (1 more minute). Season with salt. Set aside. When beans are cooked, remove bay leaf. Add onion/garlic/olive oil mixture to beans. Add heavy cream and season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve plain or with rice.
The two biggest candy makers on Earth, Sugah-Wugah Inc. and The Planetto Syrups Group, are moving their sugar and candy manufacturing plants out of town — way out of town — to a new interstellar outpost called Shug5. Kristof Joiney, owner of Sugah-Wugah Inc., says he expects to save $360 billion producing the sweetener north of Earth’s border. Mr. Joiney explains, “Since Shug5 is practically made of sugar— it is much more cost effective.”
Mr. Joiney plans to let go of 75,000 Earth employees next year alone. “We’re planning an amazing phase out. Each employee, however, is being given the option of moving to Shug5 — all expenses paid. They don’t really have to lose their jobs. If they want to continue with us— they will just have to move with us,” he says.
Richard Brinck, The Planetto Syrups Group CFO says, “Sugar is what our business is all about. Why pay more for it here on Earth when we can pay less for both sugar and labor up there? We’ll make even more money.”
The Planetto Syrups Group has already secured 300,000 indigenous beings from Shug5 to work for the company. Reportedly, these interstellar laborers have already developed a severe addiction to The Planetto Syrups Group’s ice cream product line. According to Richard Brinck, “Give ‘em our Candy Bar Ice Cream and these Shug5 guys will work for like 10 days straight! We can’t lose!”
Candy Bar Ice Cream
2 eggs (best quality available)
3/4 cup sugar
2 cups heavy cream
1 cup whole milk
2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 Skor bars (or other chocolate covered toffee bar, +/- 3 oz.), finely chopped in food processor
4 Reese’s peanut butter cups, chopped
2 Hershey bars (or other milk chocolate bars, +/- 3 oz.), chopped
Whisk eggs in a large bowl until light and fluffy (about 1-2 minutes). Little by little, add sugar until well blended (about 1 more minute). Add heavy cream, milk and vanilla. Mix well. Pour into ice cream maker and process according to manufacturer’s instructions. In the last 10 minutes of freezing, pour assorted chocolate candies into ice cream maker and mix. Transfer ice cream to an airtight container and place in freezer until firm (about 3 hours or overnight). If freezing overnight, remove from freezer 5-10 minutes before serving and let sit at room temperature.
While many people flock to see simulated alien invasions at the movies, people in Brazil have experienced the real deal— firsthand. Two years ago, extraterrestrials descended on Marghinia— a rural town, 390 miles south of Rio de Janeiro.
Brazilian ufologos — as UFO believers in Brazil are known — say the first ET was spotted near a forest. Five hours later, a second ET was spotted swimming in a lake.
Paloma Vaiho and her sister, Doria Vaiho, have recently set up a “Snack Shop” at the site where the alien visitors were first seen. “We sell mostly picnic items. Tuna and trout sandwiches always sell out,” explained Paloma. She added, “Turistas are coming out of the wood work. We are so popular now! Soon the whole world will be buying our tuna and trout sandwiches.”
Tuna and Trout Sandwiches
12 oz. tuna, in olive oil, drained
3 oz. smoked trout, flesh removed from bone
1 small shallot, finely grated or minced (optional)
3 Tbsp. mayonnaise
In a large bowl, mix tuna, trout, shallot and mayonnaise. Add a dash of salt and pepper. Lightly toast bread and assemble sandwiches. Garnish with tomato slices and lettuce.
My only thought was, “Gotta get the frozen artichokes!” I ran through the store like a maniac. At the frozen section I became crazed. I tossed my way through frozen boxes of spinach, peas and carrots until finally I found the artichokes. Suddenly an electric blue light appeared all around me. A little green man stepped out of the light. He walked up to me and pointed to my head. There was a coolness and then a warming. All I could say was, “Where are you taking me?” The green man rolled his eyes and said, “We don’t want you, we just want the artichokes. We prefer the kind in a jar, but this countryfied town of yours is fresh out!” Suddenly, he was gone, and I was left stranded in a pool of empty frozen artichoke heart boxes.
4 Tbsp. butter, unsalted
1 small onion, diced
13 oz. jar artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
1 cup short grain rice
1 tsp. salt
2 cups water
1 oz. parmesan cheese
On medium heat, melt 3 Tbsp. butter in a pot. Sauté onion for 3 minutes. Add artichoke hearts. Stir occasionally and sauté for another 3 minutes. Add rice, salt and water. Stir once and let mixture come to a boil. Cover pot and reduce heat to low. Let simmer 15 minutes. Turn off heat and let sit for another 15 minutes. Stir in parmesan cheese and dot with remaining butter. Serve.
Laverne Gideon was a second year medical student when she first encountered alien beings. “At first, they just asked me a few questions about my lab experiments. I really didn’t think anything of it. My mother was abducted by aliens as a child. I knew they would eventually make contact with me too. It was actually a relief to finally meet them. But, when they started taking over my life —I had no choice— I had to make them pay,” says Ms. Gideon while sipping ginger tea.
fresh ginger (2 inches–peeled and thickly sliced into about 4 or 5 pieces)
1/4 cup to 1/2 cup sugar
5 cups water
Place ginger, sugar and water in a pot. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low. Cover and let simmer for 20 minutes. Discard ginger slices. Adjust sugar to taste. Serve with lemon slices.
In honor of the rover mission to Mars, Mickey G’s — the national fast food giant — will add a new item to its menu. Starting next week, patrons will be able to order “Red Fries.” As in Red Planet, Red Fries. Billboards have been placed all over the world announcing the new item. No photographs of the Red Fries have been released yet. Instead, the enormous red placards with neon yellow writing simply read: “Red Fries. Coming to Earth soon.”
“At first I thought the slogan was a little corny,” says Mickey G’s chairman and CEO, Brian McSooth. “But the response has been incredible. People love it. And they will absolutely love Red Fries too. They are a perfect complement to our menu,” says McSooth.
Next week at the Red Fries unveiling, McSooth also plans to unveil another mission. “This one will be even more revolutionary than our Red Fries,” says McSooth. He continues, “Within the next 5 years, the first Mickey G’s restaurant will be built on Mars.” Of course the first customers will be astronauts and space station technicians. However, McSooth affirms that “in the not too distant future, regular people will be traveling to Mars as easily and conveniently as if they are going to any other vacation destination.”
So far, Mickey G’s is the only company (publicly) announcing construction plans for Mars. But it certainly will not be the last. According to Mr. McSooth, “It’s just a question of supply and demand. The people are hungry for Martian themed products and we are glad to be a major supplier. Our crispy, crunchy Red Fries are only the beginning.”
3 yukon gold potatoes
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup olive oil
1/4 tsp. paprika
1/4 tsp. salt
2 scallions, thinly chopped (optional)
Peel potatoes and cut into even size chunks. Place in medium size pot and cover with cold water. Rinse and cover again with cold water. Add a pinch of salt. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium low and simmer for 5 minutes. Remove from heat and drain water. Spread potatoes on top of paper towels to dry. Heat oil in skillet. Fry potatoes until golden brown and tender, turning when needed (about 5-10 minutes). Remove potatoes from oil and use paper towels to remove excess oil. Season with paprika and salt. Sprinkle chopped scallions on top. Serve.
In traditional alien arranged marriages, families do extensive research on each other before popping the question. However, on the new reality show, Love TV, it’s the producers who conduct the background checks — everything from college grades to favorite colors. “Medical tests are compulsory. But we also find out whether the future in-laws prefer the girls to cook traditional food or not. Cooking ability is always a priority for aliens. In alien arranged marriages, you don’t just marry the person, you marry all the culinary habits too,” said Sid Boiyt, the producer of Love TV.
Foe Gonga, a popular alien movie star, is the show’s host. “A lot of people were so shocked to find out that I too had a traditional alien arranged marriage. I could have dated anyone — from any galaxy. But, I am a traditionalist at heart,” says Gonga. Although, Mrs. Gonga claims to be a traditionalist, it was recently reported that in her household, it is not she but he who does all the cooking.
“The truth is, I love to cook– but I just do not have the time. I am so lucky that my dear husband, Mr. Sleevlok Gonga, enjoys pampering me with all the wonderful delicacies I crave. He makes the best cranberry relish! My home life may not be totally traditional, but I still have a lot of fun with the show,” stated Mrs. Gonga.
Even though Love TV has been number one for the last 9 weeks, there are still critics. One anonymous viewer wrote, “Why would an attractive, educated girl want to be ridiculed and pecked over like last night’s dinner by a series of random men? The modern world has no use for such nonsense!”
In response to the criticism, the producer, Sid Boiyt, said, “Some of us would rather pretend that alien arranged marriages do not exist, but we all know that they do. Why not make the process entertaining? It’s a no stress, win-win. Plus you get to sample the cooking without any obligation! Who wouldn’t want that?”
1 (12 oz.) bag fresh or frozen (thawed) cranberries
1 navel orange (zest from the orange plus orange slices without pith and peel)
3/4 cup sugar
dash of cinnamon
In food processor, process cranberries, orange zest, orange slices, sugar and cinnamon until finely chopped. Place in bowl or plastic zippered bag. Refrigerate overnight or up to 3 days before serving.
Officer M. Hopkins
On January 19, 2015, at approximately 11:38 AM, I proceeded to eat my lunch — chicken stew. While scanning out the window near my desk, I noticed an unidentified male running back and forth in a zig zag pattern with two of his fingers stuffed up his nose. The unidentified man’s other hand was clasped over his mouth. I went outside to investigate.
The unidentified man approached me. He quietly said, “There’s a bee in my head.” His two fingers remained firmly in place. While alternately clasping and unclasping his mouth to breathe and talk — the unidentified man whispered, “If I find the bee a special flower, it’s going to take me to outer space.” The unidentified man then leaned in closer and asked if I could hear the bee singing:
‘CAUSE I GONNA MAKE YOU SEE
THERE’S NOBODY ELSE HERE
NO ONE LIKE ME
I’M SPECIAL SO SPECIAL
I GOTTA HAVE SOME OF YOUR ATTENTION GIVE IT TO ME (The Pretenders, Brass in Pocket)
The unidentified man then sneezed and coughed dramatically. He yelled, “Where’d it go? Did you see where it went? I have to find that flower — and then the bee will find me and up and away we’ll go!”
The unidentified man proceeded to walk away. He stated, “Hope you watch the news tonight— You’re gonna see me on a spaceship saving the world! Yeehaw!” I went back inside the station to finish my chicken stew.
3 Tbsp. olive oil
2 large carrots, peeled and cut into even size pieces
1 large onion, chopped
3 garlic cloves, chopped
2 medium size potatoes, peeled, cut into large pieces
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. onion powder
2 cups marinara sauce
1 1/2 cups water
2 whole raw boneless chicken breasts, cut into 1 1/2 inch pieces
1 bay leaf
1/3 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup frozen peas
Heat oil in large pot. Add onion, carrots, garlic and potatoes. Stir in garlic powder and onion powder. Heat for 5 minutes. Add marinara sauce and water. Stir in raw chicken and bay leaf. Bring to a boil. Cover pot, reduce heat and simmer for 45 minutes. Remove lid and add heavy cream. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Add frozen peas. Continue cooking, uncovered, for 10 minutes or until sauce is reduced and thickened.
“My last day on Earth — I’ll wake up, say a prayer, have breakfast, then bake a Lemon Soda Pop Cake — a little memento for all the guys left behind. Later, I’ll walk down to the big box and get the best seat in the house! I’ll be smiling when they flat line me — ‘cause next thing I know— I’ll be waking up in the galaxy of fresh baked sweetness. Beautiful!” — J. Best
Lemon Soda Pop Cake
3 sticks butter, unsalted, room temperature
3 cups sugar
3 cups flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1 Tbsp. fresh lemon juice
1 tsp. lemon zest (grated)
3/4 cup lemon soda (Italian)
1 tsp. vanilla
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Butter and flour a bundt pan. Cream butter and sugar for 10 minutes. Add eggs, one at a time. Beat well after each addition. Add flour, salt, lemon juice, lemon zest, lemon soda and vanilla. Mix well. Pour into prepared pan. Bake for 1 1/2 hours. (Start checking for doneness after 1 hour and 20 minutes.) Cool for 10 minutes in pan. Remove from pan and place on a plate to cool. Can be served warm or at room temperature.
Sometime after 8:30 pm, on a clear night, last year– Frank and Roberta Scoia were driving their car near a woodsy scenic overlook. Roberta had been watching a star that kept growing larger in the distant sky. Through binoculars Roberta saw it was a UFO. The object came closer, circling them. Frank stopped the car in the middle of the road, got out and watched the descending object. Frank could see movement through the windows. Someone was staring down at him. In a panic, Frank jumped back into the car and sped away. Suddenly, Frank and Roberta heard beeping sounds. Their car seemed to vibrate. A drowsiness came over them — everything faded to black.
Later, Frank and Roberta remembered hearing two sets of beeping sounds again. They then found themselves back in their driveway at home. For many nights afterward, Roberta had nightmares. Frank was afflicted with anxiety and nervous tension. As Roberta’s nightmares continued and Frank grew more and more irritable, they decided to see a therapist specializing in hypnotherapy.
Frank was hypnotized first. They were regressed to the point when they first heard the beeping sounds. An abduction tale emerged, each version corroborating in detail with the other. They remembered being stopped by men in the road who spoke by telepathy, telling the Scoia couple, “Don’t be afraid.” The Scoias felt weak, half asleep. Opening their eyes periodically, they found themselves being carried through the woods and into the UFO they had seen earlier.
Once inside the UFO, Roberta and Frank were separated then seated at tables in adjoining compartments. The abductors brought Frank and Roberta each a tray with several burgers on it. Roberta asked her captors what this was for. The abductors told her they wanted to set up fast food restaurants on their planet (called “2 Legit”) and wanted to see if earthlings liked what they were going to offer. “We will show movies, t.v. shows and best of all, we will have…!” said one of the captors before he was quickly silenced by their leader. Roberta and Frank were then returned to their car. The second series of beeping sounds signaled the end of their captivity.
The therapist determined that the Scoias had indeed witnessed a UFO and that their abduction was a true experience. The therapist recommended “burger therapy,” i.e. that Roberta and Frank recreate the different burgers they tried aboard the UFO.
Frank recently reported that, “Thanks to burger therapy,” he is “calm and relaxed and Roberta is sleeping peacefully through the night.”
1 pound ground beef, organic, grass fed (80-90% fat free)
2 Tbsp. butter, unsalted
fresh mozzarella cheese, (sliced thinly)
fresh basil leaves
8 bread slices (hearty white bread)
Heat a large skillet. Loosely and lightly shape ground beef into 4 patties. To insure juicy, tender burgers, do not pack beef too tightly while shaping into patties. Sprinkle a dash of salt into skillet. Put 2 Tbsp. butter in skillet and melt. Place beef on top. Cook for 4 minutes on medium-high heat. Flip burgers over and flatten out (lightly with a spatula). Cook until juices run clear — about 3-4 minutes or until desired doneness. Place burgers on bread and top with fresh mozzarella cheese, tomato slices, basil (one leaf per burger). Drizzle with a little olive oil. Sprinkle with salt. Top with remaining bread slices. Serve with ketchup, mayo, mustard and pickles (on the side). Makes 4 burgers.
My screams did nothing but make me hoarse, my struggling did nothing but get me bruised — I have to figure out a way to accept my life here on the “post” — as it’s called.
They painted me silver. I’m like a newborn alien baby— silver, shivering and afraid.
I think the leader must be sick. He has a rash all over his body. They won’t let me near him.
They squirt orange goop into my mouth—night and day. I think it’s some kind of creature or maybe a computer program.
I found out that I was snatched by mistake— there was a false positive light spike near my house.
I have an escape plan. No more orange goop for me. Every chance I get — I will spit it at them!
Back from isolation — my spit-a-thon was a bad idea! On the bright side— I have a new hobby — recipes for the orange goop. This morning I had roasted sweet potatoes. Tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day after that, I’m going to have more roasted sweet potatoes.
Roasted Sweet Potatoes
2 large Sweet Potatoes, washed, unpeeled
1-2 Tbsp. Butter, unsalted, sliced
Honey or Lyle’s Golden Syrup
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Place washed sweet potatoes onto foil lined baking sheets. Poke with a fork in several places. Bake for 1+1/2 – 2 hours or until tender. Slice open and pat with butter. Sprinkle with salt, cinnamon and nutmeg to taste. Drizzle honey or Lyle’s Golden Syrup on top. Serve.
“Leonora” and “Eldorado” gained notoriety in the 1970s when they criss-crossed the country in search of “pilgrims” to follow them to “higher levels of existence” aboard a UFO — a UFO that would only appear when and if the people were ready. To make the lure a sure thing, Leonora and Eldorado promised free all you can eat gourmet meals. Hundreds of people responded. In exchange, the people gave all their worldly possessions to Leonora and Eldorado — they were told this would increase their chances of communicating with alien realms.
“Eldorado,” formerly known as Herby Smith, had been a used car salesman. “Leonora,” formerly known as Blair Lewis, had been a chef/astrologer. They revealed that an “awakening” and shedding of “humanness” began sometime late in 1974 when they realized their “life forms” had come to Earth in space crafts the day they were conceived.
Leonora explained that “members of the alien level” one day rewarded her with a Hummus Sandwich recipe — saying, in a metaphorical way, “Wake up, smell the chick peas, it’s time to remember who you really are.” Reportedly, this is how Leonora knew it was time to find followers.
Former followers of the duo admitted that Leonora and Eldorado were not ordinary con-artists. “They could persuade you to do or believe anything. Their philosophy of salvation by UFOs and gourmet food touched a sensitive human longing. How else can you explain why so many people literally erased their lives to live in impoverished, hippie food camps?” said former follower, Paul James. “Although I stopped believing in Leonora and Eldorado,” continued Mr. James, “I still believe in Hummus Sandwiches. Now, I just make them myself.”
15-20 oz. canned chick peas, drained
1 Tbsp. dijon mustard
2 garlic cloves, peeled, cut in half
1 shallot, peeled, cut in half
1/4 cup olive oil
1 tsp. peanut butter
2 Tbsp. seasoned rice wine vinegar
fresh lemon juice, generous squeeze
1/2 tsp. salt
whole grain sandwich bread, lightly toasted
dill pickle slices
cheddar cheese slices
Purée chick peas, mustard, garlic, shallot, olive oil, peanut butter, vinegar, lemon juice and salt in a food processor or blender to make hummus. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Spread desired amount of hummus on sandwich bread. Top with lettuce, tomato, dill pickles, cheddar cheese, and alfalfa sprouts. Place another piece of bread on top. Serve.
Manganesh Mahesh Mahishi originally came to fame 25 years ago when he “landed on Earth from an undisclosed little pocket in the galaxy.” Back then, Mahishi was interested in producing documentary films about paper plates. Yesterday, wearing a white robe and white flowers in his hair, Manganesh Mahesh Mahishi — now famously known as the founder of Peace Kitchens, Inc. — talked to an audience of 360 billion via closed circuit t.v. His new mission: to establish cooking facilities in every corner of the universe to promote peace.
“Not only will those of you who decide to support our kitchens create peace in the cosmos, you will also insure that every being under, over and in the sun will eat. Our kitchens will produce universe friendly foods. Every time one of our meals is prepared, together we will send the message that peace is for real. It is alive. It will all begin with our powerful chefs who are specially trained in the ancient art of yogic cooking. This practice sends out powerful vibrations that reduce stress, crime and violence. With thousands of chefs practicing yogic cooking, peace will have no choice but to burst out all over.” As an added benefit, Mahishi also described his plans for “unused food management.” Mahishi said all unused food will be donated to local homeless shelters and low cost housing developments.
Over the last year, Mahishi has already established a few test Peace Kitchens in the US. “The results have already surpassed our initial hopes,” said Mahishi.
Mahishi also announced plans for pre-packaged Peace Kitchens’ salad dressing to be sold around the globe. “This way everyone can have a reminder of our Peace Kitchens’ mission,” stated a serene Mr. Mahishi. He ended his press conference by urging all “to consciously promote peace. Let Peace Kitchens show you the way.”
1 Tbsp. dijon mustard
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 shallot, chopped
1 inch piece of fresh ginger, peeled and grated or minced
1/2 cup olive oil
1 tsp. peanut butter (or other nut butter)
3 Tbsp. seasoned rice wine vinegar
Place mustard, garlic, shallot, ginger, oil, vinegar and peanut butter in a blender. Mix well. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
A young man, sad about a recent break-up, publicly undresses in front of a fetish of Vaswoon Bambi, who in Alien Vodou tradition governs all forces of nature. An alien Vodou priest, Dalik Fonti, using a Buffalo Roast Chicken — that the young man has brought him (for luck) — performs a ritual to cleanse the young man’s body and spirit. The priest pauses before continuing, “Hmmm…you need a little more hot sauce in this Buffalo Roast Chicken. You got some knots in your spirit,” he says calmly while swatting flies. “But it’s ok,” the priest interjects. “Everything will be all right if you just go home and take a milk bath tonight.” When the service is complete, the young man dresses and sits down with Mr. Fonti to enjoy the meal. Then, the young man heads home — happy.
Traditional, non-alien Vodou or voodoo, evokes stereotypes of black magic and dolls stuck with pins. However, Alien Vodou is a little different. The main difference is that Alien Vodou priests are actually convicted felons from outer space. Back on their home planets, they used to be anything from financial analysts to even heads of state. Instead of prison time on their own turf, they’ve been given the option of coming to Earth to serve their sentences. First, however, they must receive extensive compassion training. Formal ministerial licensing is optional.
”I’m completely innocent!” admits Dalik Fonti. “I chose to come here because I knew I would never regain the respect I had after being accused of ‘a crime against my planet.’ I used to have a powerful job with my planet’s government. At least now — with this new sentencing option — I can help others and keep my amygdala.”
Fonti explained that the job hours and requirements for him on Earth are much better than he expected. He continued, “I thought conditions here were going to kill me. We hear a lot about the degradation of humans where I’m from. But I know there is a solution.” Fonti believes, “Too many earthlings are glum and depressed because they have no self love and no interest in enjoying the simple things in life. The Buffalo Roast Chicken or whatever I’m hungry for are not just ritual smoke and mirrors. We all need encouragement and someone to share a good meal with. This helps us feel more in tune, relaxed and loved. As long as you bring me something piping hot from the oven or ice cream, I’m happy to serve you.”
Buffalo Roast Chicken
1 small-medium size chicken
1 lemon, quartered
4 garlic cloves, peeled
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. onion powder
1/2 tsp. turmeric powder
1/2 cup hot sauce
2 Tbsp. white vinegar
4 Tbsp. butter, unsalted, melted
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use a clever, heavy knife or kitchen shears to cut chicken in half, along the breast bone. Place both halves onto large parchment lined roasting pan with cut sides down, wings up. Place lemon and garlic cloves in cavities. Mix garlic, onion and turmeric powders and rub onto chicken. Mix hot sauce, vinegar and melted butter in a measuring cup and pour over chicken. Sprinkle a little salt and pepper on chicken. Cover loosely with foil. Roast in oven for 1 hour. Remove foil cover and roast chicken halves for 30 to 45 minutes or until chicken is crispy and nicely browned. Remove from oven and let sit for 1/2 hour before cutting chicken into pieces. Serve.
Marcia Flemming has no patience for people who claim they have been abducted by aliens from outer space, or any such nonsense. “I consider myself a rational person,” she says as she tosses an apple slice to Lulu, a beautiful jet black 5 year old female ape. Marcia Flemming is her caretaker.
Marcia has taught Lulu everything she knows. Even sign language. This is how they communicate. This is also how Lulu told Marcia about her travels to outer space and the many extraterrestrial visitors that have visited her inside the ape house at the zoo.
“When Lulu first started mentioning all this stuff, I thought someone had brought in a television and maybe showed Lulu a few too many alien shows. But when I noticed a change in her eating habits, I knew this was more than just t.v. talk. Something must have truly happened to Lulu. I believe her alien stories.”
Marcia described an afternoon 3 years ago, when she was ready to feed Lulu lunch. Reportedly, Lulu stood up on her legs and lifted her hands and head upward. She then signed a message to Marcia that Marcia knew she must have mistaken. “You say aliens, little ladybugs, came and abducted you and took you back to their planet and made you high priestess of their cooking church? A cooking church?” Marcia repeatedly questioned her.
Lulu said she didn’t want to go back to their planet because they did weird experiments on her and made her eat all kinds of strange stuff. Then they asked her to describe what she liked or disliked about the food. According to Ms. Fleming, Lulu is also a master of “far-sight” or “remote viewing.” She can see distances not normally possible without high powered lenses — distances that are thousands of miles away. Lulu says she can see that the aliens are making their way back to Earth. They want her to travel the universe in their “High-Priestess-of-the-Cooking-Church” lecture tour. Lulu is so afraid of these aliens that she has asked to be bleached white. She wants to hide in the polar bear exhibit until “the aliens find some other high priestess to pick on.”
As Marcia related the story, Lulu started breathing very heavily and beating her chest. She smeared applesauce all over herself and hid underneath a white floor mat.
4 granny smith apples, peeled, cored and chopped
1/2 cup water
3 Tbsp. sugar
Place chopped apples in a saucepan. Add 1/2 cup water. Stir in sugar. Bring to a boil. Cook on medium-low heat for 15-20 minutes or until tender. Remove from heat. Mash apples with a large fork or potato masher. Add more sugar, if desired. Can be served warm, room temperature or cold.
In most ski-resort towns like Flurryville, New Oregon, worker shortages are a constant problem. Three years ago, “Stocked Market” manager, Buddy Tillmann, hit upon a way to fill long vacant positions for grocery baggers. He hired local alien kids to work after school and on weekends. There are a lot of alien kids in Flurryville. Their folks seem to “like the air better.”
The plan seemed like it was the perfect solution. The alien kids, ranging in age from 8 to 13 loved the job. They earned good money and were even able to take home leftovers from the baked goods section and deli. Alien parents were thrilled to see their kids developing a good work ethic. And the busy market was finally fully staffed.
There was one problem, though. One of the alien kids, Lars (not the one from Mars, but the one from Kikoop) came in one afternoon with a note from his estranged father. It read: “Dear Mr. Tillmann, It is illegal to employ kids under age 14. Even though the kids you employ are alien kids, they are still kids. And you are violating child labor laws.” Mr. Tillmann was forced to let the kids go.
Far from ending there, however, the issue has touched off a wave of controversy in Flurryville, centering on whether existing child labor laws are appropriate, especially for alien kids. With all the strides made between aliens and earthlings, some earthlings still don’t think aliens should have the same rights as earthlings. And a lot of earthling employers take advantage of recent alien émigrés and their kids who do not know the laws, which do in fact apply to all “beings” who work. “Employers are looking for whomever they can get,” says Fernando Huiog, a cashier at Stocked Market. “It’s not like they are trying to harm the little greenies,” Huiog continues.
In Flurryville child labor laws are being criticized by everyone from alien parents to the alien kids who lost their jobs. “We were having fun and we were making money,” says Shaark Zaaail, a 6th grader who used to send money to his grandma “back home on Horticu.” He continues, “The law is wrong and it shouldn’t apply to aliens. We are different. We want to work. I’ll miss being at Stocked Market. They used to give me bread and chocolate as an after-school snack. They were great to me. Mr. Tillman was great to all of us!”
Bread and Chocolate
1 1/4 cups heavy cream
4 1/2 oz. dark chocolate, broken into pieces
your favorite bread (preferably something homemade)
unsalted butter, room temp.
Heat cream in saucepan. Remove from heat. Whisk in chocolate until fully melted. Place 1/4 cup of melted chocolate into bowls or ramekins. Toast bread. Slather with butter. Lightly sprinkle salt and cinnamon on bread. Drizzle honey on top. Dip bread into chocolate. Enjoy.
Alien inspired makeup is everywhere these days. From bold multi-colored lips to strong eyes— this season is no time to be shy. And… it’s a lot easier than you think to duplicate those extra large eyes and candy colored lips. It was not too long ago that words like “alienesque” and “clownish” connoted silvery-skin undertones and a lip-smacking drip of red paint splattered all over the mouth. Now, however, alienesque means the highest of haute couture and clownish means, “Honey, you have a-r-r-i-v-e-d!” Thanks to “mega-mega-mega” stars Kokiko and Jillie-B, those sisters from Hinyo planet, we can all learn a thing or two about being proud of our uniqueness. Now that Kokiko and Jillie-B have their own make-up line out (K-J-B Color Box)–all we have to do is connect the dots and, voila–we too can have the look! What could be simpler? When asked what the inspiration for this season’s color palette was, Kokiko explains, “My mother’s sautéed corn. All of our 6 foundation shades are derived from mom’s favorite recipes. For the lips–we were inspired by mom’s frosting! Mother prefers candy pink, but we’ve added a few other pastels for contrast.” Jillie-B emphasizes that, “It is ok, ladies, to wear stripes on your lips!” As an added bonus, K-J-B Color Box has 5 of their mom’s favorite recipes on the back of each K-J-B Color Box product. Thanks to Kokiko and Jillie-B, we can now look and even cook like aliens too!
1 Tbsp. butter, unsalted
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 shallot, chopped
1 garlic clove, chopped
fresh corn kernels, cut from 4 ears of shucked corn
Heat butter and olive oil in large skillet. Add shallot, garlic and a dash of salt. Stir frequently on low heat until tender, about 2-3 minutes. Increase heat to medium-high. Add fresh corn kernels and cook, stirring often, until tender and nicely browned, about 5 minutes or more. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve.